Yoga mat for sale

$1 Yoga Mat Dramatic Reading

1
00:00:00,000 –> 00:00:02,190
it looks like someone in Seattle is

2
00:00:02,190 –> 00:00:05,640
selling a yoga mat for a dollar the mat

3
00:00:05,640 –> 00:00:07,440
was only used once and comes along with

4
00:00:07,440 –> 00:00:10,800
this hilarious usage timeline detailing

5
00:00:10,800 –> 00:00:12,690
the sellers experience in a hot yoga

6
00:00:12,690 –> 00:00:17,279
class not such a good experience I doubt

7
00:00:17,279 –> 00:00:20,640
the room got up to 175 degrees but

8
00:00:20,640 –> 00:00:23,220
nonetheless funny I also doubt the

9
00:00:23,220 –> 00:00:25,890
seller used Heidi Christopher’s super

10
00:00:25,890 –> 00:00:28,050
easy method for yoga mat cleaning any

11
00:00:28,050 –> 00:00:31,529
takers here’s the full text from the

12
00:00:31,529 –> 00:00:35,579
Seattle craigslist ad below yoga mat for

13
00:00:35,579 –> 00:00:38,340
sale used once at lunch hour class in

14
00:00:38,340 –> 00:00:40,530
december two thousand nine usage

15
00:00:40,530 –> 00:00:47,160
timeline as follows 1145 am register for

16
00:00:47,160 –> 00:00:50,070
hot yoga class infinite wisdom tells me

17
00:00:50,070 –> 00:00:52,020
to commit to a five class package and

18
00:00:52,020 –> 00:00:55,739
purchase a yoga mat I pay 89-74 dollars

19
00:00:55,739 –> 00:00:58,920
money well spent I smugly confirmed

20
00:00:58,920 –> 00:01:05,820
myself 1155 am open door to yoga room a

21
00:01:05,820 –> 00:01:08,700
gush of hot dry air rushes through and

22
00:01:08,700 –> 00:01:11,729
past me it smells of breath sweat and

23
00:01:11,729 –> 00:01:14,850
hot take spot on floor and back of room

24
00:01:14,850 –> 00:01:20,369
next to cute blonde we will date 1157 am

25
00:01:20,369 –> 00:01:23,520
I feel the need to be as near to naked

26
00:01:23,520 –> 00:01:25,890
as possible this is a problem because of

27
00:01:25,890 –> 00:01:27,689
the hot blonde my left in our pending

28
00:01:27,689 –> 00:01:29,640
courtship she will not be pleased to

29
00:01:29,640 –> 00:01:31,079
learn that I need to lose 30 pounds

30
00:01:31,079 –> 00:01:36,990
before I proposed to her 1158 am the

31
00:01:36,990 –> 00:01:39,509
shirt and sweats have to come off I

32
00:01:39,509 –> 00:01:42,180
throw caution to the wind and decide to

33
00:01:42,180 –> 00:01:44,130
rely on my wit and conditioning to

34
00:01:44,130 –> 00:01:46,259
overcome any weight issues my fiance may

35
00:01:46,259 –> 00:01:48,689
take issue with this will take a lot of

36
00:01:48,689 –> 00:01:51,600
wit and conditioning

37
00:01:51,600 –> 00:01:56,200
11-50 9am begin small talk with my

38
00:01:56,200 –> 00:01:58,240
bride-to-be she pretends to ignore me

39
00:01:58,240 –> 00:02:00,789
but I know how she can be I allow her to

40
00:02:00,789 –> 00:02:02,380
concentrate and stare straight ahead and

41
00:02:02,380 –> 00:02:04,299
continue to pretend that I don’t exist

42
00:02:04,299 –> 00:02:06,759
we will finish sharing our special

43
00:02:06,759 –> 00:02:09,098
moment I am suddenly aware of a sweat

44
00:02:09,098 –> 00:02:10,690
mustache that is formed blow my nose

45
00:02:10,690 –> 00:02:13,209
this must be from although whispering

46
00:02:13,209 –> 00:02:17,980
between us noon instructor enters the

47
00:02:17,980 –> 00:02:20,230
room and ascends her special podium at

48
00:02:20,230 –> 00:02:22,500
the front of the door she is a slight

49
00:02:22,500 –> 00:02:25,660
agitated Chinese woman she introduces me

50
00:02:25,660 –> 00:02:27,280
to the class and everyone turns around

51
00:02:27,280 –> 00:02:28,690
to greet me just as I decide to

52
00:02:28,690 –> 00:02:30,700
aggressively adjust my penis and testes

53
00:02:30,700 –> 00:02:32,950
packed in my under armor my bride is

54
00:02:32,950 –> 00:02:38,830
notably unfazed 1202 p.m. since I do

55
00:02:38,830 –> 00:02:40,959
have experience with hot yoga for

56
00:02:40,959 –> 00:02:43,120
sessions just five short years ago I

57
00:02:43,120 –> 00:02:45,370
fully consider that I may be so

58
00:02:45,370 –> 00:02:46,870
outstanding and skilled that my

59
00:02:46,870 –> 00:02:48,760
instructor may call me out and ask me to

60
00:02:48,760 –> 00:02:51,610
guide the class my wife will look on

61
00:02:51,610 –> 00:02:53,980
with a sparkle in her eye we will make

62
00:02:53,980 –> 00:03:00,910
love after class 12 10pm it is now up to

63
00:03:00,910 –> 00:03:03,790
95 degrees in the room we have been

64
00:03:03,790 –> 00:03:06,040
practicing deep breathing exercises for

65
00:03:06,040 –> 00:03:08,319
the last 8 minutes this would not be a

66
00:03:08,319 –> 00:03:10,329
problem if we were all breathing actual

67
00:03:10,329 –> 00:03:13,870
you know oxygen instead we are breathing

68
00:03:13,870 –> 00:03:15,970
each others body odor expelled carbon

69
00:03:15,970 –> 00:03:18,700
dioxide and other unmentionables don’t

70
00:03:18,700 –> 00:03:23,170
worry I’ll mention them later 12 26 p.m.

71
00:03:23,170 –> 00:03:27,280
it is now a hundred degrees and I take

72
00:03:27,280 –> 00:03:29,470
notice of the humidity which is hovering

73
00:03:29,470 –> 00:03:32,230
at about ninety percent I feel the

74
00:03:32,230 –> 00:03:34,510
familiar adorning stare of my bride and

75
00:03:34,510 –> 00:03:37,060
decide to look back at her she appears

76
00:03:37,060 –> 00:03:39,880
to be nauseated I then realized that I

77
00:03:39,880 –> 00:03:41,470
forgot to brush my teeth prior to

78
00:03:41,470 –> 00:03:47,349
attending this class we bond 1233 p.m.

79
00:03:47,349 –> 00:03:51,430
it is now 110 degrees and ninety-five

80
00:03:51,430 –> 00:03:54,040
percent humidity I am now balancing on

81
00:03:54,040 –> 00:03:56,049
one leg and the other leg crossed over

82
00:03:56,049 –> 00:03:58,870
the other my arms are intertwined and I

83
00:03:58,870 –> 00:04:01,299
am squatting the last time I was in this

84
00:04:01,299 –> 00:04:03,900
position was 44 years ago in though

85
00:04:03,900 –> 00:04:06,480
whoom but I am in this for the long haul

86
00:04:06,480 –> 00:04:08,760
my wife looks slightly weathered

87
00:04:08,760 –> 00:04:10,680
dripping sweat and her eyeliner is

88
00:04:10,680 –> 00:04:13,920
streaming down her face well for better

89
00:04:13,920 –> 00:04:15,750
or worse is what we committed to so we

90
00:04:15,750 –> 00:04:22,169
press on 1240 p.m. the overweight

91
00:04:22,169 –> 00:04:24,509
hispanic man two spots over has sweat

92
00:04:24,509 –> 00:04:27,449
running down his legs at least I think

93
00:04:27,449 –> 00:04:29,880
it’s wet he is holding every position

94
00:04:29,880 –> 00:04:32,070
and has not had a sip of water since we

95
00:04:32,070 –> 00:04:35,190
walked in he is making me look bad and I

96
00:04:35,190 –> 00:04:41,639
hate him 1244 p.m. I consider that if

97
00:04:41,639 –> 00:04:43,680
anyone in this room farted that we would

98
00:04:43,680 –> 00:04:51,060
all certainly perish 1252 p.m. it is now

99
00:04:51,060 –> 00:04:54,300
a hundred forty degrees and a hundred

100
00:04:54,300 –> 00:04:57,510
percent humidity I am covered from head

101
00:04:57,510 –> 00:05:01,500
to toe in sweat there is not a square

102
00:05:01,500 –> 00:05:04,289
millimeter on my body that is not

103
00:05:04,289 –> 00:05:09,150
slippery and sweaty I am so slimy that I

104
00:05:09,150 –> 00:05:12,360
feel like a sea lion or maybe a sea eel

105
00:05:12,360 –> 00:05:16,349
not even a bear trap could hold me the

106
00:05:16,349 –> 00:05:18,990
sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can

107
00:05:18,990 –> 00:05:25,470
no longer see 1255 p.m. this room stinks

108
00:05:25,470 –> 00:05:30,479
of asparagus cloves tuna and tacos there

109
00:05:30,479 –> 00:05:33,449
is no food in the room I realize that

110
00:05:33,449 –> 00:05:35,430
this is an amalgamation of the body

111
00:05:35,430 –> 00:05:39,419
odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room

112
00:05:39,419 –> 00:05:41,720
for the last fifty five minutes

113
00:05:41,720 –> 00:05:46,180
seriously enough with the asparagus okay

114
00:05:46,180 –> 00:05:51,009
10 1pm a hundred forty degrees and a

115
00:05:51,009 –> 00:05:53,470
hundred and thirty percent humidity look

116
00:05:53,470 –> 00:05:55,810
bitch I need my space here so don’t get

117
00:05:55,810 –> 00:05:57,430
all pissy with me if I accidentally

118
00:05:57,430 –> 00:05:59,410
sprayed you with my sweat as I flipped

119
00:05:59,410 –> 00:06:01,750
over seriously is that where this

120
00:06:01,750 –> 00:06:03,970
relationship is going get over yourself

121
00:06:03,970 –> 00:06:06,220
we need counseling and she needs to be

122
00:06:06,220 –> 00:06:13,090
medicated stat 10 9 p.m. 150 degrees and

123
00:06:13,090 –> 00:06:16,960
cloudy and hot I can no longer move my

124
00:06:16,960 –> 00:06:19,389
limbs on my own I’ve given up on

125
00:06:19,389 –> 00:06:20,949
attempting any of the commands this

126
00:06:20,949 –> 00:06:22,960
Chinese chick is yelling out at us I

127
00:06:22,960 –> 00:06:26,020
will ASA dentary until the aid unit

128
00:06:26,020 –> 00:06:28,180
arrives I will buy this building and

129
00:06:28,180 –> 00:06:30,639
then have it destroyed I lose

130
00:06:30,639 –> 00:06:35,949
consciousness 115 p.m. I have a headache

131
00:06:35,949 –> 00:06:38,710
and my wife has being a selfish bitch I

132
00:06:38,710 –> 00:06:41,530
can’t really breathe all I can think

133
00:06:41,530 –> 00:06:43,599
about is holding a cup worth of hot sand

134
00:06:43,599 –> 00:06:46,780
in my mouth I cannot remember what an

135
00:06:46,780 –> 00:06:48,910
ice cube is and cannot remember what

136
00:06:48,910 –> 00:06:51,760
snow looks like I consider that my only

137
00:06:51,760 –> 00:06:54,580
escape might be a crab walk across 15

138
00:06:54,580 –> 00:06:57,849
bodies and then out of the room I am

139
00:06:57,849 –> 00:07:00,820
paralyzed and may never walk again so

140
00:07:00,820 –> 00:07:02,260
the whole crab walk thing is pretty much

141
00:07:02,260 –> 00:07:08,289
out 117 p.m. I cannot move it all and

142
00:07:08,289 –> 00:07:11,199
cannot reach my water is breathing

143
00:07:11,199 –> 00:07:14,440
voluntary or involuntary if it’s

144
00:07:14,440 –> 00:07:17,409
voluntary I am screwed I stopped

145
00:07:17,409 –> 00:07:19,389
participating in the class 20 minutes

146
00:07:19,389 –> 00:07:23,440
ago hey lady I paid for this frickin

147
00:07:23,440 –> 00:07:26,710
class okay you work for me stop yelling

148
00:07:26,710 –> 00:07:28,780
at everyone and just tell us a story or

149
00:07:28,780 –> 00:07:30,880
something it’s like juice and cracker

150
00:07:30,880 –> 00:07:39,099
time okay 120 p.m. it is now 165 degrees

151
00:07:39,099 –> 00:07:42,039
and moisture is dripping from the

152
00:07:42,039 –> 00:07:45,130
ceiling the towel that I am laying on is

153
00:07:45,130 –> 00:07:47,289
no longer providing any wicking or

154
00:07:47,289 –> 00:07:50,470
drying properties it is actually placing

155
00:07:50,470 –> 00:07:53,860
additional sweat on me as I touch it my

156
00:07:53,860 –> 00:07:56,979
towel reeks I cannot identify the smell

157
00:07:56,979 –> 00:07:59,680
but no way can it be from me

158
00:07:59,680 –> 00:08:01,690
did someone spray some stank on my towel

159
00:08:01,690 –> 00:08:08,229
or something 130pm torture session is

160
00:08:08,229 –> 00:08:11,590
over I wish hateful things on the

161
00:08:11,590 –> 00:08:14,560
instructor she graciously allows us to

162
00:08:14,560 –> 00:08:18,460
stay and cool down in the room it is a

163
00:08:18,460 –> 00:08:20,320
hundred and seventy-five degrees who

164
00:08:20,320 –> 00:08:22,180
cools down at a hundred and seventy-five

165
00:08:22,180 –> 00:08:25,449
degrees a komodo dragon my wife has left

166
00:08:25,449 –> 00:08:31,649
the room probably to throw up 134 p.m.

167
00:08:31,649 –> 00:08:35,740
my opportunity to escape has arrived I

168
00:08:35,740 –> 00:08:38,919
roll over to my stomach and press up to

169
00:08:38,919 –> 00:08:41,860
my knees it is warmer as I rise up from

170
00:08:41,860 –> 00:08:45,760
ground level probably by 15 degrees so

171
00:08:45,760 –> 00:08:47,589
let’s conservatively say it’s a hundred

172
00:08:47,589 –> 00:08:51,370
and ninety I muster my final energy and

173
00:08:51,370 –> 00:08:55,180
slowly rise one foot in front of the

174
00:08:55,180 –> 00:08:59,040
other one foot in front of the other

175
00:08:59,040 –> 00:09:08,430
towards the door towards the door 137

176
00:09:08,430 –> 00:09:12,400
p.m. the temperature in the lobby is 72

177
00:09:12,400 –> 00:09:15,130
degrees both nipples stiffened to

178
00:09:15,130 –> 00:09:17,320
diamond strength and my penis begins to

179
00:09:17,320 –> 00:09:19,930
retract into my abdomen from the 100

180
00:09:19,930 –> 00:09:23,050
degree temp swing I can once again

181
00:09:23,050 –> 00:09:26,680
breathe though so I am pleased I spot my

182
00:09:26,680 –> 00:09:29,290
future ex-wife in the lobby we had such

183
00:09:29,290 –> 00:09:30,970
a good thing going but I know that no

184
00:09:30,970 –> 00:09:32,830
measure of counseling will be able to

185
00:09:32,830 –> 00:09:35,230
unravel this day’s turmoil and mental

186
00:09:35,230 –> 00:09:41,740
scarring 147 p.m. arrive at emerald city

187
00:09:41,740 –> 00:09:44,050
smoothie and proceed to order a 32 ounce

188
00:09:44,050 –> 00:09:48,459
beverage 402 galleries zero fat and 14

189
00:09:48,459 –> 00:09:51,250
grams of protein effectively negating

190
00:09:51,250 –> 00:09:53,709
any caloric burn or benefit from the

191
00:09:53,709 –> 00:09:56,589
last 90 minutes I finish it in three

192
00:09:56,589 –> 00:09:58,170
minutes and spend the next two hours

193
00:09:58,170 –> 00:10:04,450
writing this memoir 347 p.m. create

194
00:10:04,450 –> 00:10:06,520
craigslist ad while burning final two

195
00:10:06,520 –> 00:10:08,380
grams of protein from smoothie and

196
00:10:08,380 –> 00:10:13,180
before the shakes consume my body for 29

197
00:10:13,180 –> 00:10:13,800
p.m.

198
00:10:13,800 –> 00:10:17,499
note to self check car for missing wet

199
00:10:17,499 –> 00:00:00,000
yoga towel in am

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *